How your phone affects your relationship with your kids

Phones interrupt family time in almost every home. In a 2018 study of 172 families with young children, nearly all of the parents said a phone or another device came between them and their kids at some point during the day (McDaniel and Radesky, 2018).

That isn't a reason for guilt. Phones are how most of us work, plan and keep in touch. But it's worth understanding what those small interruptions add up to for a child, and how easy it is to make room for more connection.

What kids notice

Children are constantly reaching out for our attention. They show us a drawing, tell us something that happened, ask a question for the fourth time. Researchers sometimes call these "bids."

When a phone is in our hand, we miss more of them. Not on purpose. We answer a beat late, or with half our attention, or with "just a second." To an adult, it's a small delay. To a child, it can feel like being put on hold.

The loop researchers found

The 2018 study found something interesting. The connection between parents' phone use and kids' behavior ran in both directions:

• Kids acting out made parents more stressed.
• Stressed parents reached for their phones more, often as a way to take a break.
• More phone time meant more acting out from the kids.

If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. It's one of the most common patterns in family life, and the good news is that loops can be broken from either side.

Small changes that help

You don't need to give up your phone. A few protected moments make a real difference.

Guard the transitions. The first minutes after school pickup, the walk home, dinner and bedtime are when kids most want to connect. Keep the phone away for just those moments. If mornings are hectic in your house, here's why it helps to start the morning without your phone.

Get down to their level. When they want to show you something, put the phone face down and look at it with them. Even thirty seconds of full attention goes a long way.

Name it when you need it. "I need two minutes to answer this message, then I'm all yours." Kids handle a clear wait much better than a vague one.

Make meals phone-free. It's the easiest family routine to protect. We explain how in how to keep phones off the dinner table.

Model what you hope to see. Kids copy what we do far more than what we say. We go deeper on that in how to set a good phone example for your kids.

Take a break that isn't your phone. When you're stressed, a few minutes outside, a cup of tea or a stretch breaks the loop better than a scroll.

Set an intention for the family. The Saalo app lets you choose how much time you want away from your phone each day, and what you want it for, family included. Then it counts the time, so you can see it grow.

Your kids won't need every minute of your attention. Pick one moment today, put the phone away for it, and see what they tell you.